A Little About Shameful feelings
Someone asked if I still feel ashamed + Survey Deadline September 10
“Things are getting better but I still feel so awful about how I’ve messed up my family.”
”Sometimes I think about what I’ve done to my person and it’s really hard to feel good about anything, or to be happy about anything.”
“I just filled in your survey about my emotional abusiveness, and I feel a bit sad.”
These are just a few of the comments that have been coming into my inbox over the last few weeks. And while it may sound odd, I’m really happy about them.
Why would I be happy about the hard feelings people are sharing with me? Because it means they/you/we’re more ready, and the time is more ripe than ever for change.
Since I started devoting time and effort to the “Stop Being Abusive” message three years ago, there has been a definite increase in awareness and effort to support people who are abusive so that we can pull the roots out of the problem of emotional violence in the home. There’s lots of road ahead but the progress I’m seeing is profound, and sweet, as paradoxical as that sounds.
So what does this have to do with shame? Something about the questions I got asked recently:
“Andrea, do you feel ashamed of what you did to your husband? Do you still feel shame about it even though you’ve stopped being emotionally abusive?”
In a word, the answer to these questions is: yes.
Yes - I definitely still have a sense of shame, remorse, and self-loathing about how I treated Mike.
What I did to try to control him, manipulate him to do things the way I wanted so I felt safe and powerful, how I twisted the things he said, all of that was deeply unfair and left permanent marks on him, our relationship, and me. The harm I did is not measurable, and…
When I look back at how I used to behave, and let myself get really present with what that version of me did - I get ashamed and angry.
I want to go back in time and press whatever button it would take in order to stop doing those things. Of course, there is no such button, but oh, do I wish there was.
What I’m curious about, which I asked the person who asked the original question, is this: ‘Is there anything good you can imagine that could come from the shame you may be feeling?’
My version of this:
Yes, as tough as it is some days to feel ashamed, it helps me to think of shame as a stove with a hot element on it. If I touch that element and it hurts, I stop touching it. When I touch my own shame and I feel pain around it, I stop doing the behaviour that gives me shame.
When I think of my behaviour now, I grateful for my shame because it was my guide. It put its hands gently on my shoulders and asked me if I was ready to release the pain that was driving my abusiveness. Shame reminded me what I wanted. It didn’t let me forget that I wanted to be a kind, generous, loving wife and citizen of the world. With shame in the role of teacher, I learned. And I stopped being abusive.
What if shame, like your least favourite vegetable, could be good for you, and you could learn to appreciate and welcome it?
Note: I’m not saying we should be actively shaming ourselves or others, mind you, that’s not it. No, just that the emergence of shameful feelings are information - data, like a GPS telling us when we’ve taken a wrong turn.
If this resonates with you, I invite you to take some time to consider the following questions, by writing and journalling your answers, talking about them in a trustworthy safe space, or, just in a conversation with yourself.
(1) Imagine for a moment that shame is a friend.
Take a moment to greet it and have a conversation with it as if it was someone you haven’t chatted with in a while. Have a conversation with it and listen to what it has to share. If you’re stuck, start with something like, “Hi Shame, I see you there. I’m interested in learning what you have to say. What do you want to share today?”
(2) Ask yourself, what small step are you willing to take to stop being abusive?
Maybe you’ll join a support group - try it even just for one week. Can you write a small note to acknowledge you hurt someone, and apologize? Is there some a book or video you commit to reading/watching?
It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve tried before, what matters is that you keep trying. You will fail again and again because this change is darned hard! The best thing you can do is agree to take just one small step now, and again later, say tomorrow.
So brainstorm a list of possibilities, and if you get stuck with that, you can back up and journal about ‘what’s keeping me stuck’ as a place to start.
Remember, every single hour you allow yourself to be guided by your healthy shame, every moment you allow yourself to be helped, and every day you’re just a little better is a big win and worth working for.
I see you and acknowledge the pain and the motivation of wanting to stop being abusive. One step at a time is exactly how we break down the burden of shame and turn it into energy we can use for good.
Thank you by the way, for keeping going. Together, we really can get better.
Finally, once again I’m here to ask for help. So far, 58 people have started my emotional abuse survey, BUT only 20 have completed it.
I expected the numbers to be low - the survey is a little longer than your average marketing research about which brand of milk you drink, and it’s a sensitive topic. But if you haven’t done the survey yet, would you be willing to invest 15 minutes to do it before the end of this week?
A reminder: this is the survey I’m doing for my Master’s degree, and I’m told it’s a very unusual, unique survey. The reasons I’m doing this particular survey is I’m fed up of:
- People who want to change being ignored! There is very little in the way of research, funding, and studies being done to help abusive people, and that to me is a big oversight.
- So many people talk about knowing people who are abused, yet so few people talk about knowing abusers. There’s something off about that, wouldn’t you agree? The sooner we normalize the fact that many people are abusive at some point in their lives, the better for everyone, because that’s the only way we change.
- Being told that my study is a waste of time because emotionally-abusive people aren’t responsible enough to stand up and be counted. Oh, this makes me so mad!
I know this last one isn’t true because the 20 completed survey replies I’ve received are some of the most potent, heart-wrenching, honest, and courageous answers I have ever read.
Thank you - from the bottom of my heart - to those of you who did that.
If you’re willing to join those individuals and help me get to my minimum participant number of 25 or more, I’m setting a deadline of Friday September 10, 2021.
Remember - this is a completely confidential survey - there is no way for you to tell me your contact information, name or anything, anywhere, anywhere, anywhere. So you can be totally honest.
I have a small window of time to write up the results of the survey if I’m going to graduate on time before the end of the year, so thank you in advance!
Just click the button below to do the survey and please try finish it to the very end, as thoroughly as you can. (Incomplete answers don’t count towards the final total.)
I can’t wait to report back with more writing here after my Master’s is finished, because I know there’ll be a lot of learning to share. With your help, this survey will help many people in the years to come and maybe even motivate other researchers lean in.
That’s it for this time. I hope the above thoughts were of use, and I welcome your comments or replies.
More news next time about a support group that is opening up that some of you may be interested in participating in.
With love and respect,
Andrea