You are worthy of love, nurturing and support
Your efforts to stop hurting the people you love are precious and essential
In 2019 I was selected as a speaker at a prominent and long-standing conference. This conference is known for its focus on violence in families and is a gathering each year for hundreds of dedicated practitioners. I was honoured to be chosen to speak there (they really took a chance on me, an unknown non-academic) and … I learned a lot. Including:
Out of over 100 speakers, only a handful touched on how to help people who are abusive.
Though there were many helpful things shared, I hate to say it but it really didn’t seem like people believed the problem of domestic violence or emotional abuse would ever truly go away. It was a strange experience because I know in my bones that this problem can go away, as someone who’s broken the cycle in my family.
There were some upset people who didn’t like my presentation because I suggested that some emotionally abusive people are remorseful, and really want to change. I got heckled from the back of the room and the only way I could answer the challenges was to say, well I know it’s true because I did it.
I guess I wasn’t very impressive because “I did it” isn’t scientific enough.
I left frustrated but determined because I know the truth. If only there were large national gatherings of experts and practitioners focused on helping people who want to stop being emotionally abusive! If only there was research and funding for abusive folk. If only we focused on prevention of abuse, rather than waiting for the abuse to happen and then try to clean it up.
I just know that if this were the case, there would be thousands upon thousands of people who would benefit. Thousands of families. Tens of thousands of children and grandchildren.
Sometimes, science and mainstream conversation is behind reality
Because you’re reading this, I know you very likely wish the same things as me. There is no good reason for the lack of support for people who want to stop hurting their loved ones the way there is still today!
So until things turn around, and those resources do in fact become readily available, I want to say a big thank you and WE NEED YOU and your desire to change SO much.
Your upset feelings about hurting people are so important!
It’s your remorse and desire to be different that will lead to change. And even though the road to change can be hard, it’s the only road to take. We know it’s the right thing to do, and we’re going to do it.
I hope you know how precious and essential it is that you stay in touch with the painful feelings you get when you hurt people - when you actually want to love them well, with kindness and safety.
I also hope you’ll take a minute and help me out, it should only take a minute or two:
Would you follow the new Instagram account where I’ll be sharing snippets from this blog and other original writing and resources? I want to reach more people, and that’s where I’ve decided to do it. By following me there you’ll get reminders that support you as you go about life, and you’ll also help spread the word about emotional abuse prevention.
https://www.instagram.com/emotionalabusepreventionAnd second, would you take a moment and reply to this poll? There are so many things I want to do to contribute to emotional abuse prevention, and unfortunately I don’t have unlimited time. If you don’t mind voting, or, if you prefer privacy, you can hit reply to share.
The final word for now…
You are worthy of love, nurturing and support as you walk the path of changing your behaviour. I honour and respect you for showing up to do this inner work.
Especially on days when it feels hard. That’s because it IS hard.
You don’t have to be alone in it. Read other posts on this blog for the various different kinds of support - there are some really good ones nowadays.
As for the work? I’m here to reassure you - the work is worth every bit of effort because the good things that come out of it are frankly magnificent.
In case it wasn’t obvious…
…if I can help you in some way, I’d love to. I have spaces for private work set aside specifically for this right now - and sometimes all it takes is one very frank conversation to open some significant doors. If you think this is for you, hit the reply button and let’s discuss.
Meanwhile, I am sending best of July wishes to you,
Andrea
“No matter how far you’ve travelled down the wrong road, turn back.” - Turkish Proverb