Week by Week is How We Change
You're invited to join the "Get Unlooped" support and coaching group for people who want to stop being abusive and stop being abused.
It’s the end of the first week of 2022. Just 51 more weeks to go! :-)
As someone who’s looking at changing your behaviour, my wish is that you take note of each week that goes by, starting now. Why? I find that a week is an excellent unit of time to focus on because:
It’s not too long.
When we’re trying to create deep change - things like no longer being volatile, angry, manipulative or otherwise harmful to our loved ones - thinking in terms of “I’m trying to change this year” is too big a goal. It’s like trying to heat a large house with one space heater. It’s just not going to happen and the space heater is going to get overworked.A week is also not too short.
Reading other articles on this blog, you may have noticed I refer to taking things one day at a time. That’s a very good technique, and I stand by it particularly if you’re in crisis mode. Just getting through the next hour feeling a little less inflamed, or 2% calmer, is a terrific goal. One hour at a time, you can achieve a more peaceful day.
But if you’re not in the heat of a breakdown or in a state of extreme crisis, sometimes fixating on a single day can be too hyper-focused. It’s like trying to scrub the entire bathroom with a toothbrush. That’s a lot of intensity and often can’t be sustained.
The Goldilocks unit of time - the ideal unit of time to bear in mind to create sustained and deep behaviour change in my experience - is a week.
At the end of each week I ask myself - have I done a little better this week? And in any given year, I get 52 chances to say yes. If I can’t say yes in any particular week, I have a chance to try again pretty quickly, while the pain of not doing better is still fresh in my heart, and can be used as fuel.
A Useful Definition of Abuse
Last year, one of the highlights for me was getting to support the Ananias Foundation’s first women’s support group. In that multiple-week group, my colleague and facilitator Michael Clark gave a definition of abuse I want to repeat here. He said, “you know it’s abuse if it harms your relationship.” Then he prompted the group by saying, “Ask yourself, is my behaviour harming my relationship, or is it helping my relationship?”
Let’s face it, relationships are complex, persnickety and often confusing things. Some days you may feel like you’re being manipulated and poorly-treated, and other days you may be the one harming others. This is a very common loop which is sometimes called 'the cycle of violence’ or ‘the cycle of abuse.’ A definition of abuse as simple as the one Michael gave is well worth hanging on to because it simplifies matters. Something simple like this is easy to remember when you most need to remember it, am I right?
So the next time you’re in an argument, wondering how the heck you’re arguing like this again, I invite you to ask:
Is my behaviour in this moment harming or helping my relationship?
I’m very grateful to Michael’s work, the Guidebook and groups he makes available to people who’re working on stopping abusiveness in our oh-so-human family. With his encouragement, in 2022…
I’ve decided to start offering a support and coaching group to a small number of people.
The focus of the group is for people who feel caught in the loop of abusiveness - some days you know you’re causing the harm, and other days you know you’re letting yourself be harmed. You’re caught in an unhealthy, damaging loop and you want to get unlooped.
With this email, I’d like to invite you to join me in “Get Unlooped” a support and coaching group devoted to people who want to stop being abusive, and stop being abused.
We’ll meet twice a month by Zoom in a confidential small group, but touch base each week so that we can set those weekly Goldilocks goals, and aim to get a little better each week. Using my 20 years of experience as a life and leadership coach, as well as best practices in group support for behaviour change, these calls will have a balance of facilitation and discussion. Together, I hope we can have our best year yet creating behaviour change in this community.
There will be a small fee for the group each month, and, if finances are an obstacle, I have some sponsored seats available.
All that’s missing is you! As the person who wants support to change, my promise to you is that if you give this work focused, compassionate attention week by week, you will see progress. Just hit reply to let me know you’re interested and I’ll ask you a few questions to see what would serve you best in terms of schedule, ascertain if the group is a fit, etc. We’ll start in the next few weeks, as soon as about 5 or so people have raised their hand and confirmed.
Can I be candid and a little vulnerable with you? Sending this email to you is my way of making it a good first week of 2022. It’s taken me awhile to open up a group like this, but frankly I can’t think of many other ways I can be of more service this year. So here I am. I’m ready if you’re ready. You ready?
Is your behaviour so far this year harming, or helping your relationship?
All my best to you this week, good human. Keep believing in your capacity to change. I’ve seen it enough times to be able to say this with 100% confidence:
Under the right circumstances, even the most challenging of relationships can get better. I look forward to hearing from you about what you want your ‘better’ to look like this year.
* To indicate your interest in the Get Unlooped group, to ask questions, or to make requests, hit reply and tell me a little about what’s up. But do it this week, okay? I’m here.
Photo credit: Will O on Unsplash