Two Perspective Shifts about How Abusive Behaviour Works
Hint: It's not about isolated incidents or the roof falling in because of a ‘banana’
Today I want to share a couple of perspective shifts. I think these will help if you’ve been losing your temper, feeling super angry, and taking your upsets out on people. In other words, behaving abusively and creating unnecessary fear.
When I was someone who was angry all the time, in big ways through rages, and in little ways through manipulation, and attempts to control, I had zero patience. Nope, my fuse was short. In fact, I’m sure my husband would agree, and I see it in hindsight. I was a human who had no fuse.
Out of thin air, I would be a stick of dynamite already in the state of exploding, often surprising even myself.
Maybe you relate to that a little or a lot, and maybe you relate because you experience people around you like that > “Holy sh$t, where did all that come from??!”
Here are two simple insights into this kind of situation:
First, when a lot of emotion suddenly expresses itself, it’s not about what’s just happened in the moment before the outburst. This torrent of rage wasn’t caused by something specific someone said or did.
No, this emotion has been there, buried, becoming bigger over time, getting stronger and more uncomfortable, bit by bit. The trouble is, it’s been ignored, denied or unacknowledged. Suppressed, like a beach ball being pushed down into the water.
In my deepest ignorance of what was happening in my life, I would have said I had no upset feelings, that was how repressed my emotions were. I was completely ignorant of this underground pressure building. Maybe you can relate?
Angry outbursts and abusive behaviour tell us that this is accumulation of pressure is happening.
The lesson here is this:
Do not mistake rage for an isolated incident caused by an isolated thing. That would be like saying ‘the roof fell in because I ate a banana.’ If you do that, you will think that you just need to control isolated things from happening. You think “if I stop eating a banana, the roof will stop falling in.” Or “if that person does what I want, I’ll stop losing my temper.” No. That’s not how this works.
Look at the abusive outbursts as the final moment in an ongoing situation. Let’s take the case of the roof on a house. The roof has been damaged, the wind keeps taking shingles off, the weight of years of wet leaves is putting a ton of pressure on it. When it falls in, it has nothing to do with someone eating a banana.
If you think of abusive behaviour this way, you’ll stop looking for one person doing one annoying thing to blame, and taking it out on them.
Instead, consider the statement: “If I get THAT angry in an outburst, even though it’s only sometimes, that actually means I’m angry all the time and I need to examine that as an ongoing problem, not just as an isolated incident.”
This shift is simple but very important and has to do with your perspective on abusive behaviour. Without the proper perspective, you won’t be able to get past it.
Second, when you’re someone who behaves abusively towards others, you need to figure out how to build your patience muscles for something very specific.
In a weird way, you already have a lot of patience, it’s just being used improperly. You’re being patient by stuffing your emotions. Essentially this is like saying, “yes, I have simmering upset emotions but I will deal with it another time.” Or, “yes, my hand hurts from putting it on a hot stove, but I will figure it out later.” You command your pain and upset emotions to wait, sometimes decades. That’s a kind of patience, isn’t it?
That’s good because we need your patience, to stop this abusive cycle. We just need it in a different spot.
What we really need is for you to be patient while you feel and process your emotions.
You can do this in a supportive environment, or try it yourself through a journalling or mindfulness process. The key difference is:
Before: Being “patient” by telling your emotions to go away and you’ll deal with them later.
Now: Telling your emotions to come out and being patient with yourself as you learn to feel them in a healthy way.
Feel the feelings a little tiny bit, and not blow up.
Feel the feelings a bit more, and not take it out on your spouse, your child, your elderly parent, your employee.
Feel your feelings 3 times a week as you journal, and, not be emotionally abusive to yourself or others.
Keep feeling the feelings of upset in what psychology calls a regulated way. Regulated just means you are not losing it, you can be thoughtful, you aren’t being controlled by your emotions. Be patient with your learning process here. That’s where we need your patience.
When you learn patience, you extend the space and time in which you are being a considerate human, and not abusing others. Patience is the pause that keeps the roof from falling in, and you from blowing up like a stick of dynamite. Grow this patience, and you’ll make the pause bigger and bigger until there’s no blow up at all.
As you breathe into your patience practice, you make it stronger. It becomes something you can rely on.
The day you realize you felt your feelings and the old you would have blown up, but today you didn’t…
The moment in a fight with your honey where you realize this is the moment where you would’ve had a tantrum, but on this new day, you can be with your emotions and NOT do that…
The quiet moment with yourself when you realize you’re really upset and that’s reasonable and you make a plan to take care of yourself…
These are the moments that, through your patience practice, take the pressure off the roof, make the roof stronger and …. stop it from falling in.
In fact, when you acknowledge that emotional abuse outbursts are not isolated things, that you get better when you practice patience while feeling your emotions…
That is like getting a whole new roof.
I wish for you one step at a time, patience. Proactive patience with your emotions on the way to stopping the cycle of abuse in your life.
Here is a rough drawing of where your ‘patience practice’ lives (the arrow between the circles). It’s between you (the circle on the left), and you when you’re angry and abusive (the circle on the right.)
The goal is to increase your patience-with-emotions, an essential, non-negotiable step towards breaking the cycle of abuse.
Does this make sense? I’m curious how I can make the drawing clearer? I’m always happy to hear from you, and to help in any way I can. Comment below or write to me directly.
Photo credit: Mike Dorner on Unsplash