Letting in the truth
Other people notice your abusive behaviour even if you don't realize it, and that's good
Early in my marriage, my husband and I lived in a duplex. The people who lived on the other side of our shared wall were young doctors. There were two of them, friendly, hardworking guys who weren’t around a lot, or so it seemed.
Depending on where you live right now, and how your abusiveness shows up, you might relate to what I’m about to share next.
My abusive behaviour over the years was almost all in the form of ragey yelling
I would be fine and then I would get extremely angry, yelling-yelling-yelling-yelling-Yelling-YELLINGYELLINGYELLING.
There might be a pause, not to get a drink of water necessarily, but because Mike had broken through with something that made me pause, or I was instead crying-crying-crying which is mostly quieter.
After this cycle of yelling, my rage might be spent, or maybe not. I might get up the energy to yell again, and this could go on for hours.
When I look back, I realize the best thing for Mike was that I had to get up the next day, get dressed, go to work and act normal. When I got home, I might get into it again, or might not. What a relief I imagine it was for him to see me get out of his space for the day. How despairing it must have been when I came back.
This went on for a lot of years, and one day, in the midst of a fight like this, Mike blurted:
‘You know the neighbours talk about us. You know they hear your yelling all the time. They’re right there you know.” He pointed to the shared wall.
My stomach clenched. I stopped my yelling for a moment to absorb this piece of information from outside our fighting bubble.
This information was a surprise to me on a conscious level because
(1) I was too self-absorbed to register the needs or existence of others
(2) I was in denial - assuming the neighbours were out of the house in perfect timing and so missed my ‘occasional’ outbursts, and
(3) I was in denial about my behaviour - how loud I was, how frequently I was yelling, how not normal this was.
These were lies my brain told in order to ‘protect’ me from understanding how badly I was behaving, from getting, really getting, that I was doing a lot of harm.
Regardless, as I absorbed what Mike was telling me, I was afraid. This was something outside my perceived control. I had to know the details.
”What do you mean, what did they say, how do you know they know?”
Disgusted by the situation and by what he knew they’d said, Mike paused.
I imagine him savouring the moment of me asking for input, of me being uncertain, of me questioning my behaviour at any level. Might something here get through to me?
”I heard them when I was in the basement yesterday after we fought.
I didn’t hear all of it. They just said, ‘they’re fighting AGAIN?’ And the other guy said ‘yeah.’ "
Realizing other people are aware of your abusiveness is a key aspect of waking up to reality
I share this story to illustrate something specific you can do today if you choose.
Outside input into your abuse situation can make a big difference.
Have you noticed that humans are very good at creating worlds for themselves, a bit like a bubble? Honeymoons can be like that, as if the newly-married couple is inside a space all to their own. Or when a community of people gets together to pursue similar interests - think of those really intense groups of people playing Dungeons and Dragons, or any kind of hobby.
When it comes to a family unit that has abuse inside it, this ‘bubble-world’ is what makes it possible for the abuse to continue. The abuse-bubble protects the abuse. The bubble with the abuse in it needs to be popped.
Of course, someone inside the abuse bubble can also pop it, but often that doesn’t do the trick.
When I heard that the neighbours knew how I was behaving in such a personal way through a shared wall, I felt vulnerable and afraid. I had to take stock, and this made me stop being abusive for a period of time. The “eyes” I felt on me made me reflect on my behaviour, especially when I saw the neighbours, or I thought they saw me. I was able to stop for awhile.
Even though it took more than this small amount of external input for me to stop being abusive to my husband completely, stopping for even a short while was a very good thing.
You can see, right, that stopping for a short while, lots of times over and over, can add up to stopping entirely?
I hope I’m making it clear that getting an outside perspective like seeing a counsellor, or, joining a group tailored to your needs, and doing this sooner rather than later can make a big difference. As you may know from your own life, abusive relationships often go on for many years, and even when they stop, the healing that’s needed can take years as well.
To shorten the time you suffer from all this, I’m asking you to consider reaching out for outside help now. Today. Or if not right now, I’m asking you to reach out for help as soon as you can. Every day counts.
The sooner you start getting help, the more days of peace and happiness you’ll get to add to your life, and the sooner you’ll be able to enjoy them.
There’s only one group I wish I could’ve joined when I was in the heat of my abusiveness: the online group at the Ananias Foundation
There are a lot of reasons I recommend this group to you:
It is led by a skilled facilitator who knows first-hand what it’s like to be abusive, and really want to stop. I have connected with him personally and I know you’d be in excellent hands.
The group principles are based in recent, proven research into what works to stop abusiveness.
Everything is online, so you can attend from anywhere you are in the world - you don’t have to go anywhere, and you can attend in privacy.
It’s free of charge, because it is funded by the Foundation, as a service to anyone who is ready to do the work.
The group is a non-shaming environment, created as a safe place so you can be very honest with yourself and stay with it when things get hard. (There will be challenges, but you’ll have support. That’s powerful.)
It’s an 8-week program where you can be anonymous using a first name only if you choose.
It’s a small group, where you’ll start to realize you’re not alone and experience the relief that comes with that.
There’s a well-written, very helpful Guidebook that teaches you new skills and that you can use between the classes and after you’ve completed the group.
All of the above combined in a group that’s specifically for people who are wanting to stop being abusive is very rare, as most resources are for people being abused. In fact, it’s the only one of its kind I know of in the world, and I wish it had been around when I needed it. I’m certain it would have taken many years off my path as an abuser, and my husband’s suffering.
From my heart to yours, I hope you give it a chance, and register. Just go to this link and put your information into the registration form at the bottom of the page:
https://www.ananiasfoundation.org/groups/
A note re timing: The program takes place several times a year, with one starting at the time of this writing: May 12, 2020. However, if you’re reading this later, be sure to investigate and write to the foundation to see when it will be available next. You can use the Guidebook at any time, but the groups are where the work can really gain momentum.
Honestly I wish that everyone who needs it could hear about this group and decide today to take it, or take part in another externally-supported process. It’s the beginning of letting the truth in, and the beginning of new possibilities for you.
If you notice people being abusive, please help share about this group. All you need to do is forward it to them, without comment if you prefer. That single clear, non-invasive action of saying, “I notice what you’re doing,” “I see how you’re behaving” and “This info might be of interest” can be all the difference.
Maybe you’ll be a pivotal outside voice that an abusive person needs to finally make a decision. Maybe you’ll help them step up and say yes to change, a little like what happened when Mike told me about our neighbours.