In the future, you're someone who's no longer abusive
3 reasons you may be finding it hard to stop right now, and ideas for that
Recently, I’ve been getting more than the usual amount of email from readers who’re writing for help and advice. It’s a bit of a paradox, because on one hand, I’m so proud of every single individual for taking that step to ask for help, and acknowledge they need it. But on the other hand, it’s heartbreaking to know so many people are suffering.
One of the most common things I hear from people, whether in email, or in conversation, is something along these lines:
I know I’m hurting the people I love but I don’t know what to do to stop! Even though I really want to, I just can’t seem to.
No matter what I try, I keep falling back into the abusive behaviour, I just don’t understand what’s wrong with me. Help.
As someone who’s been on both sides of the emotional abuse cycle, I’ve recognize this place. It’s hard to change, no doubt. It’s confounding, and upsetting to want to change and not be able to. Because of this, it can be all too easy to give up and just resign yourself to being an abusive person. This is most definitely not what I want for you, nor is it what you want for the people around you, I know.
So today I’d like to offer some thoughts about what’s going on, based on personal experience. Some ideas about what’s making it hard to change. Even though these aren’t definitive answers, my goal is to open us up to some different, and sincere conversation and examination, and hopefully create some new awareness. I know it’s still really difficult to find places where these things are talked about in a straightforward way, so hopefully it will help to pull back the curtain.
Before I dive in, please bear in mind that not everything I describe here will apply to you, and I’m sure there are plenty of other reasons. For now, I encourage you to notice which of the 3 items is most applicable to you today, and to set aside time this week to reflect and apply.
3 reasons why you may be having trouble stopping your abusive behaviour
Perversely, just wanting something to change doesn’t seem to be enough to create change, and it’s a rather upsetting thing. No, human behaviour change is the subject of a lot of research and we’re just starting to understand how to shape it. Specifically around the topic of emotional abuse, I have three possibilities to offer:
1. You may not yet fully understand how much you’re hurting or harming others.
This may be hard to grasp, but it’s definitely true in some cases, especially if you were also abused yourself. You may be having trouble stopping your abusive behaviour because you don’t actually understand how very badly, and deeply, you’re hurting others.
When a person is brought up in an abusive environment, abuse is what’s normal, like other things are normal - eating dinner at 9pm, cutting the ends off the ham before putting it in the oven, or leaving the dog outside even when it’s cold, for example.
You know the episode of the TV show Seinfeld, where the focus is on a person they call a ‘close talker?’ The person stands unusually close to other people when they talk? Or maybe you know someone who is a ‘loud talker’ who speaks in a volume that’s unusually loud compared to other people? For people like these types of talkers, their normal is different from most. But the way they talk - close, and loud - is normal to them so they don’t see the need to change it.
People sometimes say hurtful things, do harmful things, and don’t understand that it’s abuse. Because of that, they don’t see the need or urgency to change because it’s what they think is normal.
Is this you? Are you just starting to grasp that what you thought was normal isn’t? Your thoughts?
2. You haven’t figured out how to fully be with the pain of the harm you’ve caused.
Looking at the harm you’ve caused is a hard thing. If you’re reading this, I believe you’ve started to do that at least a little. You see that your actions have harmed others. Maybe your child has anxiety and wets the bed. Your spouse is mostly zombie-like around you, resigned and defeated. However it shows up, you’ve noticed it somewhat and it’s painful.
But unless you’ve found a way to be with the pain of this on an ongoing basis, a little or a lot, it will be very easy to forget why you need to stop. And that’s one of the reasons why people don’t stop.
Think of it this way. When you put your hand on something burning hot, the pain of it makes you move it. There’s zero hesitation, and no difficulty doing the thing that stops the pain. You move that hand, and fast.
But once you’ve moved that hand, the pain goes away, and the motivation to do any other behaviour goes away too.
This simplified example gives you some insight into what’s needed, and what you can create for yourself as a structure to support you in stopping your abuse. It’s this. You need a way to remember, continuously, the pain you feel when you’re looking directly at the harm you’re doing.
Behaviour follows awareness: you need stronger awareness
When I was able to keep a medium level of constant awareness of what I had done to my husband - one day at a time, I would remind myself as strongly as I needed to - that’s when my behaviour started to come into alignment.
When I forgot how bad I’d hurt him, my urgent need to change went away and I would slip into abusiveness again.
The moral of the story here is: be willing to be in the pain you need to be in, in order to change. Don’t try to soften the blow, muffle it, or numb yourself from it.
You need that pain, it’s the key awareness that your behaviour will be shaped by.
3. You can’t yet see yourself on the other side of this.
Even if you’re brand new on this journey, there’s one thing I want you to know without a doubt. There is a day ahead of you where you’re going to wake up, and you are on the other side. This day is available to you. A day of becoming a new person without the habit of being abusive. It may seem hard to imagine right now, but that’s what I’m here for. I know it’s hard, so I’m holding space for it for you.
Here’s the thing. In order to make this leap to the new version of you, you need to become the person who has no abusiveness in your life. Part of this means you’ll change actual behaviour, but part of this is about imagining the future you. If you can’t imagine that future you, you’ll continue to have trouble stopping what you’re doing today.
So give these questions a try. Be as specific as you can, fill in the details and let your imagination run free. It might be hard at first, but keep at it:
In the not too distant future, when you’re no longer being abusive to the people around you… what do you think you’ll feel?
In the not too distant future, when you’re no longer feeling terrible about how you behave… what will become possible in your life? What things do you think you’ll look forward to?
In the not too distant future, when you’ve stopped being abusive, what will you be able to stop pretending, and let go of?
In the not too distant future, can you see a picture, or a movie of yourself free from the trap you’re in now? Let that movie play. Keep playing it, day by day, ten times a day if you like. Let it play as you make it become real.
And there you have it. Three reasons why you might not be changing your behaviour even though you want to. To the degree that you linger and engage with these ideas, the more you’ll understand yourself and the situation you’re in.
Understanding why it’s hard for you to stop being abusive - despite wanting to? Is the start of a deeper engagement with how to stop.
As always, thank you for reading, and for your commitment to changing your habitual abusiveness. I hope that the above has been helpful.
On a personal note: I’m dedicating this piece to my Dad, who had a bad stroke recently, and who is the person in my life who didn’t know how to stop being abusive towards us. As of now, I don’t know whether he’ll recover enough to hear these words in real life, so I’ll say them here and trust that he can hear them energetically.
“Dad, I know you wished you could stop being so awful to mom, and us kids, and I know you tried. I’m sorry it was so hard, and so sorry you felt so unloved and unappreciated your whole life. I’m going to keep doing my best to help everyone I can with this, okay? I know you get that it’s important, and right, and only fair, to try and help. Thank you for all you did and all you tried. Love you, Dad.”
My request today is that you remember:
For every person who reads this article, who shares it in hopes of making the world a less violent, less abusive, less hurtful place, and for every day you wake up making an effort to make it an abuse-free day, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, please keep going.
#peaceispossible #doingtheimpossible #doonething