How to self-measure your emotional abusiveness

A couple of tools to adapt so you can track your progress

One of the most common questions I hear from people is a simple one:

“Andrea, how do I know if what I’m doing is actually abusive?”

Usually, there is some added context, along the lines of:

”I know I’m not a saint, and I have outbursts, but emotionally-abusive is hard for me to hear.”

”I’m so clear I have a problem and I really want to change but I’m not even really sure what ‘it’ is.”

”If I can’t really get a handle on this thing called being emotionally-abusive, how am I supposed to stop?”

And even…

”I’ve figured out how to improve my behaviour but how do I know if I’m all the way better?”

And finally, the question that is at the crux of it all:

”Isn’t there a way to measure my behaviour, like checking my blood pressure, or a personality assessment I could do so I can see what’s going on, and also keep track of getting better? It seems like there should be something.”

And my answer is YES.

Yes, there should be something.

There should be any number of tools available! Since abuse of all kinds is so very prevalent, the tools to measure it should be prevalent too. Like smoke alarms in every home are there to warn us of the danger of a fire, in my view, we should have tools that tell us when we’re in a bad place and need help so as to not hurt the people we love.

For example, in December 2020, a hotline called Calma opened in Columbia for men to call when they fear they’re about to commit domestic violence. Within 5 months it received over 1300 calls. While it will take some time to collect evidence of Calma’s effectiveness, there’s without doubt a wide open field to innovate and test more tools like this. More tools like this so that less support for victims is necessary.

In short, yes. You’re right. You who write to ask about tools. There should be more. Personally, I consider it unacceptable that we don’t and that is frankly why I write these posts.

As part of my research into what it’s like to be an emotionally-abusive person, I’m writing a Master’s thesis, and hopefully, I’ll even finish it this year. Part of what I’m investigating are the above questions, and here’s some of what I’ve discovered.

1. There are a lot of instruments (assessments, questionnaires, surveys, self-reflection exercises, etc.) available for people who have been the victim of domestic violence.
   
   These are critically important, but of limited use to people trying to stop their abusiveness. Also, the majority of the tools cover physical, sexual as well as mental/emotional abuse, and the mental/emotional part is often 2 questions relegated to the end of a long survey. Emotional abuse is not an afterthought, nor is it just an early indicator of physical violence, nor is it always accompanied by physical violence. It is its own thing, and needs its own tools.
   
   2. There are some instruments that look at the emotional aspects of interpersonal violence, but they mostly address those questions to the person who’s been abused.
   
   3. There are a good number of instruments that ask perpetrators of violence about what’s going on for them, but again, these are almost always focused on physical abuse.

The good news is, with a little effort, we can adapt the above and self-measure our emotional abusiveness in a creative way

This will take some ingenuity and patience, and it isn’t something that’s been scientifically-validated, but if you’re as interested as I was to get better, I think you’ll find this very helpful.

First, have a look at the Emotional Abuse Questionnaire by Jacobson and Gottman. The questionnaire itself is here, which you can print. As you’ll see, the questions have been written for the person being abused, and need a little tweaking to work for you, the person trying to stop being abusive.

Here’s an example of how you can mark up your printed copy to make it make sense for you.

This is how the first question in the original questionnaire is written:

My Partner:

1. Tries to catch me at inconsistencies to show that I am lying.

Never Rarely Occasionally Very Often

You can change it to read:

I:

1. Try to catch my _______ (insert person you are being abusive towards, so for me it would be my husband) at inconsistencies to show that he is lying.

Never Rarely Occasionally Very Often

Here’s the third question in its original form:

My Partner:

3. Tells other people that there is something wrong with me.

Never Rarely Occasionally Very Often

Your edited version could read:

3. I tell other people that there is something wrong with him/her/them.

Never Rarely Occasionally Very Often

Clearly, this takes some effort, however, as a result you’ll be able to understand your own behaviour much more clearly.

Below is a checklist you can use to follow through:

1. Before anything else, first make sure you have resources nearby to support you as you take the assessment. Even self-assessing can be painful and upsetting, so be proactive. If you feel confronted after you answer the questions, will you reach out to your therapist, your group, a coach, or use another tool?

2. When you’re ready, print the questionnaire. <link opens in another page

3. Next, tweak the questions, changing the pronouns and verbs to make sense for you. For example, change “My partner” to “I.” You can use a pen and make the ‘corrections’ right on your printed sheets. Once done, reread the questions to make sure they flow.

4. Now find some time when you can be quiet and take the assessment. This is for your own use only - a self-assessment - so be as honest as you possibly can as you reflect and answer. Later, you’ll be able to look back on your answers and observe how your behaviour has changed.

5. Next, although this is just a rough way of looking at your answers, score yourself based on what’s written at top of the questionnaire. Once you have your score, you will I’m sure be curious about what that number means. Adapting what’s there, I’ll continue our theme of ‘flipping’ the statements and rewrite the scoring statements here:

   If your score is between 73-94 = you are being emotionally abusive
   
   If your score is higher than 95 = you are being more severely abusive than the average battered woman is abused.

6. Finally, spend some time reflecting, processing any emotions, reaching out to a therapist, a coach, or use some of your other tools. You’ve just looked in the mirror at yourself, and taking the action to look is something you can be proud of, even if you don’t like what you see.
   
   Note: Try not to skip step #6. This is where the gold is, so don’t hesitate to do multiple reflection sessions. In fact, I suggest you write the date down, and keep the printed documents in a folder so you can refer back to your answers, and once in a while retake the questions. This is a great way to see how, and whether your efforts at changing are working.

Last but not least, here is a 7th step, what I consider to be a ‘bonus step’ if you’re extremely motivated, which I think you may be:

7. To help in the weeks and months ahead, pick one of the items on the questionnaire that you scored poorly on, and focus on improving that for a period of time - you choose, maybe it’s 1 or 2 weeks, or 6 months, or a year. Lean in on that item and make it a goal to change your score, so next time you self-assess, you can take pride in answering differently!

This is also the kind of thing you can work on with a qualified therapist, in a group, with a coach, or on your own, whatever is available to you.

Of course, there are a couple of caveats I should make:

I’ve been where you are and know a lot about the journey of a person who is emotionally-abusive. In particular I know how frustrating it can feel to want to change super badly and have seemingly no help. However…

I’m not an expert in creating or using instruments like this, and the above suggestions are not what anyone in academia would call scientifically valid, nowhere near it. But as a way to think about your own behaviour, it’s a decent way to start. I certainly wish I’d had anything at all like this, even cobbled together, when I first became aware of the hurt I was causing.

Using the ‘homemade’ tweaked version of the above assessment, I think you can land on some clarity about the questions ‘how do I know if I’m actually being abusive,’ ‘how bad is my behaviour exactly’ and ‘how can I measure whether I’m getting better.’

If this helps you, or you have questions or other insights, please don’t hesitate to write to me to discuss. I always love to hear how you’re doing, and if I can’t help you, I promise to suggest someone who might be able to, or point to another resource as a next step.

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Was the above questionnaire not super helpful to you? There are a couple more…

The following tools will also require some creative thinking to apply to your life, but my guess is even just skimming will give you some insight. Some of my suggestions above may apply here too - see what you think.

This is a terrific set of 35 items that can help you understand emotional abuse better, even if you don’t answer the questions. Don’t be put off by the title or the formality of the language - it’s an academic paper. What I think you’ll find useful is in table format on page 516: The Revised Safe At Home Instrument for Assessing Readiness to Change.

And here is another set of questions, quite different from the above. These are answerable with True/False which you may find preferable. Gottman’s EAQ.

As always, for more ways to sink into the work of changing yourself, check out the resources here, here and in other articles on this website.

The final word…

Can I be a little personal here? The research I’m doing for my thesis is sometimes very frustrating and slow. I think about quitting more often than I usually admit. But the world has talked about abuse for so long in a certain way, and while that’s helped, it’s high time for that to change. I just want to do my part, however little that winds up being.

I’ve talked to a lot of emotionally-abusive people who reach out to me, and with no exceptions, they/you are fierce about your desire to change. I witness you go to a lot of effort to change and I’m rooting for you. If that’s you, whether you’ve reached out to me or not, I want to acknowledge and honour you.

Your self-honesty is essential and important. Your hope for becoming a new version of you is important and unspeakably precious, and I believe in you.

Thank you for your commitment to no longer being emotionally-abusive.




Photo credit: Esther Wechsler on Unsplash