How to Change Abusiveness on a Practical Level
At the end of the day, we need to get beyond talk, and get our hands dirty in the work of being kind in everyday life + An Invitation to the on-demand Video Course with Andrea and Karen
“I’m seeing a therapist - in fact in the last month I’ve seen two therapists, and I’m in a group - but I still feel like I don’t know what to DO to change.”
First, let me say that when connecting with people who want to stop being abusive, I hear a version of this statement more than almost anything else. Pause for a second and think about that!
Will you forgive me if I get very direct here?
This drives me bonkers!! Truly.
Now, by bonkers, I don’t mean I’m upset at the person, not at all. I’m upset that the help they’re getting isn’t more practical. We have lives to live outside of therapy sessions. Our abusiveness isn’t happening in our heads or our imagination, it’s happening in real life! We need help to ‘DO LIFE’ better, step by step, am I right?
So here’s an example of a very practical exercise I gave to someone this past week.
A PRACTICAL DAILY EXERCISE: Self-Gratitude.
Okay, before I lose you. I know, you probably think you know alllll about how an attitude of gratitude can lead to personal growth. But this advice is a bit too generic. Here’s a tweaked version for people who’re working on halting their abusiveness:
Instead of saying “I was grateful that so-and-so helped me, it made my life a whole lot better”…
Find something to be grateful about … yourself.
Yep. This is not a generic gratitude exercise anymore. It’s a SELF-GRATITUDE exercise.
And because I know this can be challenging at first, here are a bunch of concrete examples:
”Hey…I kinda like the fact that I’m willing to change - even though this stuff is super painful. I like that about me.”
”You know what, I know I’m a good person inside. I know that and love that about myself.”
”I’m proud that even though I’m single now, I’m going to work on myself for ME. I’m worth it.”
”I’m grateful that I figured out how to apologise to my partner and mean it. That was really hard and I could never do it before. But wow! I did it, I really did it.”
”Today I realised I feel really lonely but I didn’t get angry at my partner like I have so many other times. Instead I shared that I feel lonely in a gentle way and we had a nice talk. That felt awesome. I am awesome!”
”I really didn’t feel like going to therapy again, but I remembered that I want to be a better parent, so… I went. That was really good. I’m pretty great.”
You see, it’s one thing to say love yourself first, or have self-compassion, but exactly how do you do that?
The SELF-GRATITUDE exercise is something you can DO each day, multiple times a day, that’s tailored to what you’ve gone through in life. The key is to feel it and not let it be just a bunch of random disconnected words in your head.
”But Andrea, how does this help change my abusive behaviour?”
Another great question. Based on my research, I’ll explain it like this:
When you’re someone who’s been abused, and is now being abusive to loved ones, you almost certainly have not felt loved the way you want to, especially in the past, as a younger person. It’s very likely you’re not used to hearing kind words about yourself. You may have a great job, and look put together on the outside, but on the inside, there’s part of you that yearns to feel good.
Being grateful for yourself, noticing something good about you, is a way to nurture and reparent yourself, to give yourself something you needed and deserved, and didn’t get. When you start to do that for yourself a little, you start feeling good, and…when you start feeling a little bit ‘good,’ you stop being demanding and controlling. Little by little.
So there you have it… an exercise you can DO. Something that’s tangible, and costs nothing. Something that’s more than talking about your abusive behaviour. It’s something that starts to dissolve the source of your abusive behaviour.
Go ahead, give it a try right now…
What’s one thing you’re grateful for or appreciate about yourself, that you can genuinely say, and feel, even just a little, in your body and your heart?
Feel free to comment, or hit reply if you’d like to share. Or, if you’d prefer not to put that out there, still definitely give that gift to yourself. Use your inside voice, or say it to yourself out loud in the shower.
I hope this is helpful to you - I know it works because it’s one of the tools I use still, and you know what? Sometimes my voice still trembles when I do it, because…well, because appreciating something about myself is so very different from how I was brought up, it can still be a little scary.
But I do it. And it feels so good to give myself that self-compassion and regard. I really hope you’ll try it.
Before signing off for today, I’m quite excited to announce something.
After quite a bit of effort this summer shooting video, compiling all sorts of resources, writing 10+ handouts and exercise sheets, transcribing 13 lessons, etc…
The on-demand video course called “We Can Stop Being Emotionally-Abusive” is now - finally - available for purchase.
I’m not ashamed to admit it - this took quite a bit of effort and I probably cared way too much about the details, but, in the end,
I am pretty proud of the result. <practicing self-gratitude, lol!
If you’ve been waiting for support that:
is not 1-on-1
you can access any time of day or night
is loaded up with practical exercises and tools
you can start within minutes of signing up
is affordable
is led by people who’ve been where you are
This mini-course is a labour of love, made with you specifically very much in mind. You can find more info on it, including a video from my co-creatrix Karen McMullen and I, plus details on how to register, here:
www.StopBeingEmotionallyAbusive.com
Hint: this video-course comes chock full practical exercises & there is laughter along the way. Because this is hard work, and joy helps us keep going.
The final word…
I never take your readership for granted - not ever. In fact, you reading this makes me excited that we will soon have another healed person in the world! And that is one of THE.BEST.THINGS I can think of to work towards.
Now you know why I do this.
Andrea
P.S. Regrettably, figuring out scheduling for a coaching group has proven super challenging yet again, so I’m going to hit pause on that - for now. (The most agreement we got on a time was 2 people, and 2 people just isn’t a group!) Instead, the video-course is a good place to start if you were hoping to start support this month. And if that isn’t quite doing the trick for you, hit reply, and let’s discuss.