But I'm not emotionally or verbally abusive, am I?
You might be, and why I respect the desire to change so much
I realize that for a lot of people, my writing about abuse feels like it’s not for them.
“Abusive…that’s a harsh word” that doesn’t apply to me. It can’t apply to me, does it?
And yet, what I notice is that people who are brave, and curious, and can suspend judgement for a moment, what I notice is that they are catching sight of themselves in the mirror after all. They keep wondering about it, and reading the articles here, because something pulls them to.
Then, later, when they mention something at the dinner table, their partner says to them, “actually yes, I feel you are abusive to me sometimes.” And this leads to good discussions that lead to change.
Or, when I do a talk about abusiveness*, I notice some people get really quiet and (I can’t see it but you can tell) their eyes dilate from the thoughts they’re thinking.
“Oh crap, I am abusive sometimes,” or “Oh my God, she’s talking about me,” or I see that they’re with their life partner and the two of them are carefully avoiding looking at each other because it’s too much to acknowledge in a public place like this. But later, they’re able to talk about it a little. That’s progress too.
In all of these cases, I wish so very much that people - you - knew how much love and compassion I feel as the aha moments land and you connect the dots. It’s not that I’m happy you have abusiveness in your life, but I’m glad that something invisible has become visible so you can work on it. Yep, once in a while, a little bit all the time, or… in some other pattern with the people in your life, and even with yourself, you may be being abusive.
Perhaps this is a good time to refresh our working definition of emotional abuse:
Emotional abuse is behaviour that creates unnecessary fear.
It’s a simple definition, but it’s often glossed over, so it bears looking at more closely. This is a term that belongs on a spectrum, which means it’s not black or white, it’s grey, and there are shades. That’s the important part of this. Popular culture oversimplifies abuse because acknowledging the nuances is work.
In fact, many people will behave abusively at some point. The key points are:
is there a pattern
how bad it is, and
can you stop doing what you’re doing?
Or are you like the smoker who says they can quit anytime, but really can’t?
Bad behaviour of any kind over time is like termites, it’s expensive and hard to recover from. And that’s why it’s worth paying attention to early, even when you don’t think you’re really being “that abusive.” Bad patterns that we ignore take away from the full life we dream of. Like a ball and chain that’s keeping you from ballroom dancing the way you want.
By looking in the mirror and addressing any harm you’re doing to others, you’re contributing to positive change
If you’re catching sight of yourself as someone who is sometimes abusive, and blinking at that realization, I want you to know that I have a lot of respect for you not looking away.
So many times, in speaking with people who’ve been treated abusively, what we hear them say about their abuser is:
they don’t even realize they’re being a jerk to me
they think it’s normal and fine
it’s just their way of getting what they want
they’re under a lot of pressure
they aren’t always that bad
In other words, people on the receiving end of abusiveness are overwhelmingly excusing abusiveness, tolerating behaviour that is hurting them, and persuading themselves that it’s not so bad. (Often, they’re afraid of what might happen if they don’t put up with it, which is why it’s so important that the abusive person steps up first.)
The only reason things get REALLY bad, is because it starts somewhere, likely somewhere ‘not so bad.’ From ‘that’s not so bad’ we get ‘oops, that was kinda bad’ to ‘okay that was really bad’ and finally ‘we are in a really bad place.’ I hope this makes it clear: we need to not ignore things while they’re “not so bad” so that it stops getting really bad.
That’s why, even if you’re not really behaving super badly all the time - if you’re trying to change — know that you have my utmost respect and support.
Think about it. It’s pretty unfashionable to say ‘I respect and admire you’ to someone who’s behaved in ways that have harmed others. But I’m not going to stop doing it, because here’s the thing. If you didn’t have remorse, and at least a small desire to change, you wouldn’t still be reading this, and THAT is a hopeful thing worth supporting. My respect isn’t permission to keep going with harmful behaviour unchecked. No, my respect is because of your commitment to keep improving, keep stopping, to not giving up on getting better.
Candidly, I wish more people would open their hearts to people trying to change, especially in the domestic violence arena, but that’s a topic for another time.
Keep going with your attention and focus on not being abusive. And even when you drop the ball, and you have to start again - keep going.
Note: obviously there are very real cases where people who have grievously, and unremorsefully harmed others, who do not deserve respect. I’m not talking about the extreme cases here. I trust you know what I mean, and if you don’t, you’re welcome to ask.
Please help to share the word, open your heart to yourself, and to others. When you’re trying to change, you get to be proud of that.
If you’ve been meaning to attend a supportive group, reach out to a therapist, do some deeper reading or writing, or maybe even have a conversation with your family about what you’re working on changing, go ahead and take one tangible step today. Each action you take is a win for you, and the world.
Thanks as always for reading. Your comments and feedback really help me continue to write usefully. Please don’t hesitate to reply or forward. One person at a time, one hurtful action at a time, we can stop being abusive to one another.
*Do you know someone who has space for a speaker on the topic of abusiveness and how to stop? Maybe a podcast, virtual conference, or interview for a blog? I’m ready to do more of these, and would love any introductions. Thank you!
Photo credit: Danielle MacInnes on Unsplash